Can We Talk?
By Raven Starr
<p> A lot of things have happened in my life and not all have been good, but those experiences have helped to shape the woman I am today but if there is one thing I could possibly change is my fading memory. I don’t really know when it happened, I guess that’s part of it because I can’t remember. I can’t pick up a calendar and point to a date and say, yep this is the day my life turned to shit. I can remember my past very clearly, but I could rise to my feet right now with a determined idea in my head and within the same second, I cannot remember why I am standing or what I am searching for. Most people don’t understand what I’m going through, some think it is all in my head, like the raging chronic pain coursing through my body at any given moment. Not being able to keep my focus on one thought makes me feel like I am losing mind. I’m only 44 I think, I’ve joked about my age for so long if it wasn’t for my oldest keeping track I probably really wouldn’t remember. I have lost many things in my years on this planet, the death of both parents and grandparents have left me wounded. People say time heals all, and that has not always been my case. Time has left me lonely and scarred, but it is my life and I do not wish to forget any of it. I love to write, and I remember a day when I could sit in front of my computer and spend the entire day lost in my muse’s daydreams, now when I sit to write it is different. I must try to slow the words inside my head, so my ramblings don’t always sound like rambling. After my mother died I would look at personal pictures of us, I could remember her voice, her smile but recently I’ve had the deepest of betrayal dealt and it happened because I chose to believe in a friendship built on lies. Now that my memory is starting to fray I no longer have those pictures, I can no longer remember her smile. My two youngest children have two pictures of my mother and since they were young their only true memories of my mother are the ones I have told them. Because of my trust and belief in others I have robbed them of memories just like something is robbing my memories from me. I remember the last time I saw my Father’s mother, I called her Mama Mae. I remember her strength and her kindness.
<p> When she started showing signs I wasn’t around, it breaks my heart to feel that I wasn’t around for a lot of things. I can remember the phone-call I received when she passed on, and how I felt my soul rip from my body. All of the deaths happened within 5-6 years starting with the death of my mother. How is it that I can remember those sad days, tone of my second mother’s voice when she called me, I remember the look on my grandmother’s face as she sat in a wheelchair as she watched me tell the doctor to remove her from life support. I remember everything about the room she was in, I can remember all of that but if I were to stand up to head to the kitchen I truly believe I wouldn’t remember what I was looking for by the time I get there. When I last saw Mama Mae it was after the death of my dad, I’m not sure she really knew who I was, but the worst thing was that she kept asking for my father and I didn’t have the heart to tell her he was gone…again.
<p> How are we supposed to manage with the loss of memory, the loss of family and loss of oneself? It’s a real problem but even as I open up and tell people, family, friends and even doctors I get the feeling they don’t have enough time for me and what if my time is up? I don’t want to forget, even all the pain because it shaped me. If I lose my memories, I will lose who I am and what I’ve been through. This is a scary time not to be able to remember, well honestly any time is a shitty time not to remember. If you know someone struggling, they’re not screwing with you or seeking attention. Help them, because losing any part of yourself is way too much. As I am sitting here writing, does that mean that you are there reading my words? Of all the things that could possibly happen to anyone I think being or not being able to remember is the cruelest sentence that is dealt upon this humanity that most of them have no idea how to write cursive, that wood shop is no longer taught does this mean that slowly more things will continue to fade out? In days to come what else would happen to my memory, am I going to forget my children the way Mama Mae forgot my father, her son? I don’t think I could stand it. To look through them and to only see strangers…no what a terrible future to have. If I am to be honest, my mother died very young she was only 54 and maybe it is a part of grief or some morbid way to forgive myself from being the one to take her off life support. But from that moment, the absolute second her heart flatlined I wondered if this was my fate? We suffer from some of the same medical issues. I watched as doctors turned her, and folks talking behind her back making her feel lower than anyone around her ever knew. I understand how she felt, wanting to hide away from people because no one really knew what was going on and hey, why should they care, right? In our lives we all aspire to do something meaningful with the existence we are given, but no one wants to slowly lose a part of themselves that may never return. I can’t tell anyone about how I feel because when I do everyone thinks they’re a doctor, you know? I don’t need nor want another doctor, another diagnosis, sometimes I just would like to speak, to unload these fears about my earlier death, about not always knowing my purpose I can’t wear my super hero cape all the time. I mean if I am a damn super hero losing my thoughts or ideas is a downright shitty power to have and I want a redo right now. I mean what would you do? I will try not to let what is happening to me taint my soul but to say it doesn’t piss me off then that’d be a bold face lie, because I am scared of losing any more than I have already lost but I can’t live inside that fear. Not every-day is going to be butterflies and rainbows, but I will be here, as long as I can remember to show up.
<p>Fight or Flight by Raven Starr
<p>What’s up with the world today? Most of my articles lately have been about paranormal and such but today I want to talk about another fear, the fear of living in an increasingly dangerous world. I’ve heard the saying, ‘that history repeats itself.’ Have we not learned anything from our past? The war and death we have suffered in a just the last few months is truly fucking scary, scared to live in. We’re fighting now among ourselves while the world around us falls apart. When will it stop? I mean I know there are problems in the world, but knowing where this country is headed tops everything.
<p>Blue lives, Black lives matter, damn dude we’re human and we all matter. Don’t we? Because I’m not really sure anymore, I’m not really sure about anything anymore. Have we gone mad? Don’t see what we’re doing to not only to ourselves but to the planet we live on. We are surrounded by ignorance, on top of death and betrayal we are creating a living hell for our children. I hate waking up every day to hear there yet again another attack, it makes me feel I can’t fall asleep because I won’t be safe.
<p>Do we hate each other so much that we are willing to cast our souls in the fiery embers of damnation? Is it worth it? It’s like humans are a plague, conquering, killing, and taking everything without giving a shit about anyone else’s. How could we let this happen, where are the ones who are fight for truth, someone to rebel against the deployable condition we find ourselves in?
<p>Moving overseas is sounding better and better with each passing week. We are told we cannot live in fear, but our country isn’t the mega power it used to be. It’s full of a hypocrite society which is bent on killing off the weak and the poor. It’s natural selection, right? Only the strong survive? How do we know if we are going survive the few years, the next few minutes that tick away to hours of not completely being aware of the fear that we all live with every day? Is this what we leave our children? We leave behind a ravaged world. Do you remember your childhood? Playing in creeks and mud and freedom of playing outside when your only concern is to be home before the streetlights come on. Now our children barely get to go sit on the porch without hoping a stray bullet, or runaway car won’t ram into them. Scary.
<p>What are we doing? Not only to the planet but to other human beings. Mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers no one is safe. We must stand up and fight for our freedom again, something to chase away the fears growing in the hearts and souls of our fellow people.
<p>Do we care anymore?
<p>Our state reps should be worried about the people, to help the people of the world without fondling our little girls and boys? They claim to be about helping the war on drugs by condemning their use and blame addictions when its big pharma started the war on drugs. We must stand and fight for country and all the people that live here.
<p>I don’t know what it is now that my kids are older Christmas has lost its shine. In fact, after my favorite holiday, Halloween of course, but after its all down-hill from there. It is supposed to be the season for giving, yea giving folks a head and heart ache. <p>Suicide rates rise during these so called cheery days. I have seen the complete opposite. I’ve seen anger and hate with plastic smiles plastered all over people’s faces. Yea, no overflowing rivers of pink glitter instead most of us are standing around waiting for Charon and his boat to take us across the river Styx.
<p>I mean don’t get me wrong people with small children, yay, great, but when those grow up and see how screwed life is…well then I might not be alone on the ba humbug train. You know what’s funny? As I sit here, burning with a fever and my body aching from the flu guess what I saw? A damn Christmas commercial. When I was in the store last week there wasn’t even a full lane decorated for Thanksgiving, nope just jump right into Christmas.
<p>I understand the reason and the season and all that. It’s not the message that bothers me, it’s the bullshit hiding under, before and behind the message. As humans we need something to believe in to help us sleep at night.
<p>So is ba humbugginess is it’s a sham? It’s all a created for love but instead throughout the years with all the evil in the world it should be a wonderful time for love and family. But as this holiday and I use this term loosely, watch people, in the stores grumbling, shoving and talking shit. Ask anyone in retail and they hate their job from now till the first of the New Year. It’s the stress of trying to prove presents equal love, and that’s wrong. Christmas shouldn’t be about all the presents you can rack up. There isn’t a lot of people that give for the sake of giving. And that’s where the problem started. At first children my age, we made popcorn balls as a family and watched all the classic Christmas cartoons that I honestly still love and watch. It’s probably one of thing I do enjoy about the upcoming apocalypse… I mean holiday. And you know what else? We can’t say Merry Christmas anymore because everyone now gets so butt hurt if the world doesn’t revolve completely around them. Some things in my opinion just shouldn’t be messed with. Poorly made horror flicks but we’ll get into that on a different day, today is about snow, hot coco, and snuggles by a warm crackling fire. Just because I write some horror doesn’t mean I’m not a romantic chick.
<p>Can’t we go back to the time when Christmas meant togetherness and not the most expensive gift under the tree? When I was a child I couldn’t wait for the tree to go up and sit underneath it to count the colorful lights. My house always smelled good and I knew once it got dark I could crawl in my mother’s bed and watch cartoons until I fell asleep. That is what should be passed on, the memories, and sharing, that should be the message we pass onto the children of our future. Can’t we see the world is spinning apart? That there is more fear now, intertwined in our everyday lives than there has been in many, many years?
<p>Instead of being focused on being nice for 60 days is bullshit, let’s try to be joyous the whole 365, is that too much to ask for? We shouldn’t be forced to be nice for 60 days a year, why can’t we try to spread goodness? Are we turning into robots on automatic zone patrol, just coasting through life unaware of the people surrounding us? Yep, with everything going on in this country makes me want to crawl under a rock until it’s safe to emerge, but will it ever be safe?
<p>Where is Santa when you need him? Shit where is the Easter bunny, we could use some smiles and peace. Peace that when you turn on the TV you’re not bombarded by death and fear. Again, I ask where is Santa or where is the goodness this season is supposed to stir up? All I’m saying is it’s hard to get holiday-ready when the holiday brings out the true roughness in the people besides them. Try being today and tomorrow. Give someone a gift even if it’s an ear or a shoulder to cry on. Let’s pass that on and maybe …just maybe. It won’t be a ba humbug sorta holiday.
<p> (But I won’t hold my breathe)
<p>The leaves are finally turning a brilliant gold and the fresh scent of fall wafts up my nose. I love this weather, don’t you? Now that Halloween is done it doesn’t mean the eerie scenery that begins in October. I love the sensation of walking down a dark street with the dry leaves crunches underneath my sneakers. Have you ever felt like you were being followed? With each step along the sparsely lit street, icy fingers tingled down my spine, I hastened my step. Ooh just as I sit here writing this, I stare out my window I can only think of the things that go BUMP. I mean how could I not think of dark figures stalking the steps of the living. Personally, I think this eerie time of year gets surpassed by thought of white snow, love and presents…and for some of you just presents with no love… Why can we not celebrate the darkness at least once, no, no, not I want to possess your soul kinda darkness that’s not what I mean at all, embrace the change that Fall brings. Everything on this planet changes, it grows, things die while others are reborn. I’m not one for making New Year crap because come on who really does that?
<p>But that doesn’t mean I won’t try to be a better person, that’s all we can really do, honestly, we need to accept the change of certain things in your life. Relationships change some die off for no reason while new shining orbs appear to replace what you have lost. Change. It’s hard, to let it go, whatever it is that we all keep close to our hearts that haunts our every step, some including myself, think we deserve the darkness that we keep. See the word I used there… “Keep”
<p>Those dark figures that we have created for ourselves turn into the baggage we carry. So, imagine once again walking on that dark street with the breath of death and change breathing down the nape of your neck. Don’t be afraid, because the more we move forward we are so ever close to change, to be reborn, to be able to embrace yourself, your ‘true’ self. That is what we fear, we fear being our true selves. That people would not love and appreciate your inner soul. So we suppress, not totally submit but little things about you we hide, that is fear entering brain, slowly trying to consume your soul, and your inner light because we are taught our feelings are not no longer paramount, that as long as there was another in ourselves willing to accept our outer shell while denying who you truly want to be. To change is to defeat fear, to use the light of your soul to brighten the path in those dark days. Embrace it, embrace the change in front of you but don’t look back, keep moving forward.
<p>But if you feel the darkness and urge to stop and turn around remember this…Always keep a light on.
by Raven Starr
Halloween… Or All Hallows Eve… All Saints Eve?
I guess it’s all how you imagined it right? Some people only see free candy with funny or scary masks while to some others it is a straight up no bullshit religious holiday. But no matter what some may think we can trace the day back generations of people, but I’m not going to spend my time with you spouting off who thinks about what and where it came from, there is enough craziness in the world right for all of us to be worried about so let’s just enjoy this spooky month together. Do you believe in ghosts, saints, or any otherworldly creature?
Have you ever felt like someone was watching you but you’re alone? Or feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end as a brisk air brushes past.
What about creatures, though. We’ve all heard or read about rumors of other beings, like vampires. But what about the less talked about creatures like werewolves. Wait…Wait… Don’t laugh, just listen. Where I live now there’s a beast, yep you heard me a beast like a werewolf out in the woods not too far from me. It is known as The Beast of Land Between the Lakes. So, the thought of a cryptic creature around makes me wonder if it’s real. These rumors go back over 100 years so maybe it’s true, maybe there is a wild hairy man, a skinwalker, or a wild dog to even the dreaded Beast of LBL. I’ve asked around and checked it out on Youtube and there’s a few videos which captured a gut-wrenching sound so loud that could make passer by wanna piss their pants in sheer fright of the unknown. Do you think creatures like the werewolf are real?
I’ve been asked a few times if I’d been willing to go look for the beast. Now I’m on the fence on this one. Now I’ve checked out how dense the woods are and…. yea there’s no way in hell. Lol. I want to believe, to believe in ghosts, big foot, and aliens. I know as Halloween draws near the veil between the physical world and the spiritual is felt so strongly that no one can hide their fears of what goes bump in the night. What scares you? I am a horror lover and if you’ve read my old books you know I love it. I can deal with ghosts, Michael Myers, Freddy, the chainsaw guy, and even Candyman (shh don’t say his name cuz he’ll come get you) but zombies, oh hell to the naw, no zombies for Raven. I can’t stand the thought of a rotting corpse chasing me so it could eat me…. Y’all nasty, not that way. LOL
If one day you see me running, you’d better join in because I don’t play. 😊
What scares you?