The Wolfman
July 1, 2017
Tara Fox Hall
July 1, 2017

Dear Hattie:

It’s so hot today, so hot. And I am sweating. Not perspiring like a southern belle, full on, shirt sticking to myself sweating. Which is strange, because I am literally sitting in a freezer. In a freezer at a fast food, drive thru place, and waiting for time to click on. Waiting for the employees to clock out, waiting for the manager to clean up, waiting for the counters to get wiped down, and the chairs put on the tables. Just like last night, just like the night before. Because when I broke in here, three days ago, I apparently damaged the freezer door when I came inside to wait long enough to rob the joint. I just heard the manager on his phone, calling to have someone come out from corporate to get the door open. But there’s a problem, he can’t come until Monday. Today is Thursday. Hattie? Is the charge for breaking and entering less if I freeze in the freezer?

Pop Sickle

Dear Pop:

Look on the bright side, think of all the money you’ll be saving on food and gas. And you may survive, really. You may. But probably not.

Dear Hattie:

There’s a werewolf in my neighborhood. I know, I’ve seen him. I wait until the moon is full, and lock my house up tight. I huddle in fear behind the doors to the rooms where I wait for the night to be over. I saw it once, a few months ago when I would still take out the garbage after dark, not any more.

Tonight, is the full moon, and just before daybreak I’m going out to see if I can see him and catch him in the act. Better the devil you know, right?

Oh, my god, there he is! It looks like he has already turned back, got to go call the Police!

Where wolf

Dear Where:

I spoke to the police and they would like you to stop bothering Mr. Martin, and stop calling them, every time he sleeps in his garden.

Dear Hattie

Dear Hattie:

I watch some tv at night, not a lot, and certainly not reality tv, which, for all intents and purposes, is scripted and so not real. I’ve heard, of course of a music-type so, something about thinking you could dance or something like that, and I have heard it’s kinda popular. I, myself, was thinking about maybe making my own real reality dance challenge show, and have talked to myself about it, and figure it would be popular, but other than have no idea who, to reach out to for funding. The dancers would be balanced on those surfboard things people paddle on, while attempting to paddle across piranha- and shark- infested waters. I think it would be riveting to watch, and be really easy to determine who was moving on in the competition. What do you think? I put the real in reality tv!

Dear I put the real: It might go over big. If I may suggest, get a friend to film you attempting it first.

Dear Hattie:

I work full-time from home as an editor, and am getting quite a following, but I’m getting old need to hand down the reins, as it were. I have no children to teach the ropes to, and most people aren’t as knowledgeable as I am in these matters. So, I set up a ‘learning station’ in my home, for potential workers, for someone I could feasibly leave my business to. The software essentially electrocutes the user for every mistake, and the charge increases each time. I’ve run out of room in my garden, now, for the cremains of workers that didn’t make the grade. Hattie: do you think I should give up, or (gasp) lower my standards? Old Sparky

Dear Sparky:

Maybe the business should end when you do, otherwise there would eventually be questions.

Dear Hattie

Dear Hattie:

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I'm not. I know that we put men on the moon, I mean, I saw the television shows and read the books. I know that 9-1-1 wasn't an inside job, that it was terrorists, and I know that there's no such thing as vampires or zombies, I know. I can feel it.

But these things are always in my head. What if? What if?

Every morning I get up and take a shower and have my coffee, and have my coffee, and have my coffee. It would be really easy for them to get us through the coffee, with something in the coffee, something in the coffee, in the coffee.

Something that made us see and accept the moon landing, and the mars rover, and all the other wonderfully horrible things that are happening and have happened, and will happen?

Hattie, believe me I'm not crazy and I'm not a conspiracy theorist.

Signed: Not A

Dear Not A:

Yes, you are.

Dear Hattie:

I appear to be an out-cast. I’m pretty sure it’s not from anything I’m doing, but I never get a second look, a second glance, a second date. I come to their door’s and I’m impeccably dressed, and I wait to go in for the hug, for the kiss, and then, next day, nothing! They just aren’t around. What does it all mean? Lonely boy

Dear Lonely:

I think if you could, once in a while, keep your fangs out of their necks, you might get some repeat business.

Dear Hattie:

I am confused by terminology lately, perhaps you, in your infinite wisdom, could help me out. For the last 11 years, I have been an ovo-lacto-vegetarian. This means that although I get most of my nourishment from vegetable sources, I am still able to augment with eggs and milk products, mostly because, of course, you don’t need to kill the source to get eggs or milk. Friends of mine are vegan, which means that all of their nourishment, I believe, comes from vegetable sources, and there are other restrictions. I also know pescetarians, vegetarians who also get their nourishment from fish. All these life-styles are better for the human condition, and cut down on life altering conditions.

My question is this: if I am a vegetarian, but I also snack, every once in a while, on the throat blood of a cherished friend, does that change my status? I don’t take enough to kill him, and I make sure he isn’t harmed, except for being a little light-headed after a feeding, and I only do it when he is unconscious, so not painful. I think it keeps me a vegetarian. My friend and I have been debating this for months. Yes, that friend. The cut-up

Dear Cut-up:

I can’t imagine that drinking blood wouldn’t change your status, even though you aren’t killing your friend. >

Dear Hattie

I have a question, and it is a real question, but not one I am comfortable asking my friends or my parents. Hattie, when I go to donate blood, is it customary for the ‘technician’ to lick my arm when the needle comes out? How about licking the end of the syringe? Is he just flirting? Or does he really need to know my address and the exact location of my bedroom in said address? While the blood was filling the bag, he said and talked to me, quietly. I really can’t remember anything he said, I felt mesmerized. My mom says he liked me… should I be worried? RH Positive

Dear Positive:

It may have been harmless flirtation, but there’s no reason not to protect yourself. If you have a crucifix in the house, perhaps it can be mounted in your room for a week.

Dear Hattie:

Is there a place where one can go to complain about receiving bad information from the internet, or is it ultimately my own fault? Some background, I don’t have health insurance, because mostly, I don’t trust doctors, and I don’t have a job, also a matter of trust. When I have a problem, I go to the library and access a DIY medical site. It, more often than not, gives the worst-case scenario, but not everything can be cancer, can it?

Recently, I had a foot fungal issue, and the site went on and on about these fish that would eat the outer-most layer of your feet off, virtually pain-free and then you’d be starting with a clean, as it were, slate.

I had no access to these fish, so I went on a fact-finding mission to the zoo, and they had all kinds of fish in a great aquarium. I removed my shoes and socks, and sat on the edge and dipped my feet in. There was a bit of a shock and pain at first, but when I removed, for want of a better word in the circumstances, my feet from the tank, the fungi was gone, as were the bottom 4 inches of my feet.

I feel somewhat mislead, on the one hand the fish did, in fact remove the injured parts, along with some, I believe, uninjured parts. Is there a clearing house where I can lodge a complaint? Twinkleless toes

Dear Twink:

I believe you can complain directly to the site, and maybe the better business people. I would be surprised if they could rectify your problem, but you could always be employed as a cautionary tale.

Dear Hattie:

I’m a lawyer, and a pretty good one, if I say so myself. But I tire of getting these wastes off on technicalities. Basically, my job, but none of them take it as a chance to clean up their acts, they all take it as the universe approving of their villainy. Well the universe has decided to rectify that for them.

I’ve amassed a load of poisons, most of them ones not normally tested for in a common autopsy, and here’s my question, dear Hattie, not do I use them… I’m going to…but should I go for the quick fix, or the long term?

What do you think?

Angel of Death

Dear Of Death:

I think I’ll use you as a cautionary tale and be done with it.


Dear Hattie Column

Dear Hattie:

For obvious reasons, Halloween isn’t my favorite holiday, those kids come by and gnaw on my house.

Some son of a bee has organized a Halloween parade through the woods, with my poor house being a focal point. I thought about poisoning some apples and hanging them outside, but one of my ancestors got in trouble for that. Can you think of a way to get them to stop?

Eaten out of house and home
Dear Eaten:

No, poisoning is out, but perhaps you could spray your abode with some kind of fixative. Something that wouldn’t taint the candy but would turn the candy-eaters. Maybe cod-liver oil, or chocolate laxative. Hmmm?


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